Madi: Navigating the Doldrums
Madi is an RN moving deeper into guiding breathwork and other facilitated journeys. She recently moved to the northwest from Colorado.
Before working with Mama, I felt a disconnection from myself. I was really unsure of who I am, and more particularly, what I'm here to do and what my purpose is. And now, after working with Mama for seven ceremonies, I really feel in myself.
I know who I am and what I'm here to do. In our 3D world, I don't know exactly how that translates, but I have this connection to my soul and my purpose, and I know the next steps on the path. So I trust that I can just follow those steps slowly, more so than I ever have before.
What did it feel like to be in that space of not really knowing yourself, not really knowing what you were here to do? What was that experience like?
It was really tough. We described it as the liminal space, or the doldrums. I reached a point where I had let go of structures and beliefs that had built me up to this point, that I held onto really tightly. And once I let those go, I felt I didn't have a sense of myself. I felt very lost and confused and unsure.
And at the same time, knowing that I was going to continue working with Mama, I knew that this was part of my process. And although it was uncomfortable, I was told to just hold steady in that space.
What did it feel like to be in that grind of not knowing yourself and trying to make things happen?
Honestly, it was very dark. It was a deep sense of hopelessness and despair, and a lot of grief and sadness around the fact that I didn't know myself and my soul. And physically, I felt just so tired and uninterested in activities and hobbies that I used to engage in.
But in that space, I really learned to almost wrap myself up in an energetic blanket and just hold myself there, and let it be okay to experience these sensations and emotions.
What was the thread that got pulled by Mama that unraveled a lot of that and brought you back to yourself?
The thread was an energy that felt like it had moved through my family and to me. Previously, I didn't have a conscious understanding of that energy. But when I realized how that energy had moved through my familial line and to me, and when I realized what impact it had on me — just having that awareness, understanding it, and clearing it — that's the thread that really, once I was able to understand it, pulled out of me. And then I could connect to my soul and myself.
For so long, I thought how that energy showed up in my body was actually a lot of thoughts and depression. I thought that those dark thoughts and those beliefs about myself that weren't positive — I thought that was me.
But I really believe that was an energy that was almost trying to block me from my soul self and my powers. And once I was able to identify it and start working with it, I then dropped straight into my soul.
What did that feel like, to drop straight into your soul?
Well, my soul walked toward and into me, actually. But yeah, just a sense of knowing — like knowing who I am. It felt very empowering, like I can sit up straighter. I have this concept of love moving out of me, and I just feel really solid and trust my path.
Sometimes it's still kind of unknown, but it feels really good to just stand on that path and keep taking the steps knowing that is where I'm supposed to head, even though I might not have it all figured out or know what's next.
And on the thread of trust, a lot of my process — I would say the first five ceremonies — were really, really challenging. And I'm glad that I stayed with it and continued to trust that this was the right path for me, because it in fact led me to where I am now.
I had to hold a lot of trust and hold myself through that entire process to land here.
If you were to go back and give yourself advice from before this recent wave of work you just moved through, what would you tell her?
Walk through those open doors. And what I mean by that is really listen and see what doors are opening for me, and honor the ones that have closed. Even in uncertainty, continue to walk towards those openings.
Are there any parts of you that are surprised or delighted to see you where you are?
There's a part of me that I've worked with a lot, and she has a sense of urgency. She really needs to get things done now.
And where I am in my ensouled self, there's no urgency, and it feels so good. So that younger, urgent version of me, I think, has learned to also try to lean back and let go as well.
I think she knows it feels good, but there are moments where she kind of rears up a little and is unsure. And when I work with her, she'll lean back again.
Is there anything else you want to say?
Just deep gratitude to Grandmother and the SOULS community, and the beautiful people that have come into my life. After only a couple of months being in this community, I can truly say it's altered my life.
So I'm just deeply appreciative and grateful.
