Jake: It's All In My Heart

Jake sat in his first ceremony this month, May 2026. After time in the military and decades of disconnection from the heart, he has found a love within greater than ever imagined.

Jake: It's All In My Heart

11:08

It’s all in my heart. Since the ceremony, there’s been this beautiful feeling awakening inside me — this overwhelming sense of love in the most beautiful way. More than anything, I feel immense gratitude: gratitude for the journey, but also, for the first time in my life, gratitude for myself.

I’ve realized that love is within me. Worthiness is within me. And I think I’ve spent more than four decades walking through life without really being here — disconnected from myself, not loving myself, not seeing myself as worthy.

Going on this journey and sitting with Mama was profoundly transformative for me.

There was a mourning process for things I wish I’d had growing up but didn’t. But beyond that, there was also this recognition that some of what I’d been carrying was never mine to hold. The shame I carried for so long — being able to finally say, “That’s not yours.”

My intention going into this experience was to reconnect with my younger self. I thought I was searching for joy — for excitement, compassion for the world, a sense of aliveness. But what I actually found was compassion for myself.

I didn’t even know that was possible. And it turned out to be exactly what I needed.

I thought this journey would help me engage with the world better — to be less bitter, less resentful, less weighed down by everything I’d been carrying. But I realized it had to start with me, with my own heart.

I joked before the ceremony that when everyone was talking about chakras and centering themselves, I felt like I just didn’t have the “heart one.” Like that part simply hadn’t been issued to me.

And then suddenly, not only did I experience self-love, but I experienced the love in the room — in the field — and realized there is so much of it. It’s immense. It’s beautiful. It had always been there, but something inside me needed to crack open in order to feel it.

Now it feels like something has finally turned on inside me, maybe for the first time ever. I can barely take a full breath without feeling this overwhelming beauty in my chest. I just want to share it.

For the first time, I truly understand what it means to be present — not just present in life, but present within myself.

I’m learning to let go of the things that no longer serve me. Over the weekend, someone [Randy quoting Ram Dass] shared a phrase: “More involvement, less attachment.” Love is involvement. Attachment is fear.

And I realized I had spent my entire life attaching myself to things because of this deep loneliness inside me.

But now, for the first time ever, I feel home. I feel awake. I feel alive. And I don’t want to waste another moment disconnected from life or from myself. I want to experience life fully — wholeheartedly and soulfully.

That has been the greatest gift so far.

I know this is going to be a long journey, but for the first time, I’m excited for it. And for the first time, I’m able to give myself grace along the way.

Now I can ask: “Does this still serve me?” And if not, maybe I can try something different. I can finally see the direction I need to go because it was shown to me.

But I was also shown that this isn’t a quick path. It’s a long road.

I remember seeing these sunset colors — pinks and oranges — and moving toward the mountains, toward a sunrise. And I understood that there will still be shadows. There will still be dark days. But I just have to keep moving forward.

Letting go of fear was the most freeing thing I’ve ever experienced.

And now, carrying love for myself has changed the way I carry love for others. I carry everyone who was in ceremony with me. I carry the people who have been part of my life. But I carry them differently now.

It’s hard to describe, but I feel deeply connected to people — connected in a way that feels lasting and sacred. That realization has grounded me in the present moment, in love, and in a desire to keep living from that place.

It feels like my eyes have finally opened. And part of this process is honoring everything that got me here, while also allowing parts of myself to finally rest.

Not rejecting them. Not throwing them away. But saying: “You can rest now. You don’t have to protect me like that anymore.”

I used to think I had to hide my light and my love because I thought they were fragile — like a candle that could be blown out.

But it’s not a candle.

It’s this eternal, beautiful light generated from within. And you can’t extinguish it.

Knowing that feels like something inside me is finally working for the first time in my life. And all I want to do now is share that love and this awakening.

This journey was only the first step, but it opened a path I honestly didn’t know existed for me. Or maybe I knew it existed, but I didn’t believe it was accessible.

The self-acceptance, the gratitude, the connectedness — soul, body, and heart — it’s difficult to fully put into words.

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And also the most beautiful.

And I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Because for the first time in my life, I feel like I belong here. I feel here. And because I can finally love myself, I can finally let other people love me too.

And that… that’s the most beautiful thing of all.